I normally tend to not talk about these things, just because it’s easy to feel like you’re revealing too much. Behind every blog is a real person. A person with dark and twisty sides to them and secrets that don’t get spoken about often. This is one of those dark and twisty secrets. I could easily talk about growing up with an eating disorder, but I have been very real and honest about that whole journey. So, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to discuss something else.
Anyone who reads this blog knows how in love Joan and I are. I mean, we just got hitched less than 3 months ago. What you don’t know and see is that we fought so very hard to be as happy and crazy about each other as we are now. So, I hope you reserve any judgment you may have, because I am not perfect.
I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately. I just need to get everything out of my head and on to paper.
I know that life just throws us things sometimes. I also know that we are supposed to be able to deal with it. We’re supposed to be able to bear the weight on our shoulders, persevere, and carry our heads high. But it feels like there is never just ONE problem. That would be a luxury.
For us, it seems like something happens. We’re sad, we talk about it, and we find a solution. Lately it feels like more problems are just piling themselves on top of one another. I have so much that I want to talk about. That I want to divulge and hear your opinions and words on.
But I can’t. At least not yet.
Some of it is out of respect. Some out of necessity. If this blog was still anonymous, I might have considered it. Without exposing too much, here is just an idea of some of the things going on right now that I’m working through:
Our living situation
Seeing someone from my past and what it means
The health of someone I love
I wanted to take my blog public for the longest time and I was so happy when I did. But I didn’t consider the ramifications of opening it up to my family and friends. Possibly some people who aren’t such good friends.
I had to edit posts. Some were deleted where I talked about things that were a little too personal. If you’ve been reading my blog since it began, then you may have read those posts. I wish I had drafted them instead of hitting that X. I never learn from past regrets of deleting my words.
There is a certain amount of censorship that comes along with being a blogger. You see Joan because she lets me openly talk about her and us. The photos and awesome posts are all okay’ed by her. She likes her privacy as much as the next person, which is why I always make sure she’s satisfied with the content that makes it on this little space.
But others? I don’t have that consent. I’m not seeking it, because their stories are not mine to tell. But the ache in my heart that I feel makes it near impossible to not spill everything into this white box.
It’s daunting being a blogger. I like posting every day, but it’s a struggle sometimes to write things that people relate to and find interesting without bearing yourself in a way you may not have intended to. We all have those moments of words bursting out we wish we didn’t say.
So, the content is blurry. I write and I know some of you feel like you know me. I am glad that you do. So much of what I write IS me. But isn’t all of me. You see what I choose to show you. I put my best face forward and try not to let negativity affect me when it rears its ugly head.
I hope I don’t put off the aura that my life is perfect. It’s not. I don’t want people to think I’m perfect. That’s not really an option. I am a flawed, one of a kind, loud, and in your face human being. I have yet to work a job where I haven’t been told to quiet down like a kindergartener.
Basically, I’m me. I’m doing the best that I can to be the best person I possibly can each and every day.
Even though there is so much happening and sometimes I just want to cry, I know I am putting good out into the world with a smile on my face.
My heart may be throbbing, but I have love in my life. I have support to work through it. I have moments where things stand perfectly still and I can just…breathe.
Because, amidst the shit, I still need to be able to smell roses sometimes. JMP
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